I'll COME to you AGAIN !!

For the LOVE of WINTERS;

I left your lanes.

Though you were WARM & HUSHED

I liked to be with YOU!

Though you were always speeding up;

Leaving behind the slow pacers

Yet I liked running at job's demand.

At times you were hustling & bustling with people.

And I felt desolate in that CROWD.

Yet you imbibed me in your HIGHNESS

And gave me HOPES to live & ENJOY.

Sometimes you were too long a distance to cover,

And i felt tired & broken then.

Yet, I loved to give you my TIME,

But it was then I had to LEAVE you.

When hopes were DYING and dreams EVAPORATED,

It was then I had to DESERT you

When every single WISH just took it's LAST breath;

In your presence, your live SELF!

And, it was then, WINTERS arrived,

Fueling my wings with ASPIRATIONS.

MOBILIZING my legs to step ahead.

So, I had to LEAVE you staying where you were;

And I had to part from you HEAVY HEAR-TED !

Here I am, missing you NOW,

But, the distance is LONG & situation REVERSE.

Though I want to come BACK to you

Yet I can't, not this time.

So, may be I can wait for this SEASON to END,

Maybe I can come back to you AGAIN !!

Thurs., 15/12/11, 10:49 a.m., train to Delhi

I am going to LIVE.....

It has been hard, I know really hard for both of us! Yet, what to do, we have to live this life like this, God knows till when.

Just this line went on my mind, and I kept trembling with sorrow, grief and memories of the past....oh that was just few minutes back! How ridiculous! What was going on just a few minutes back is now just a past, to repent and cry for! And this terrible traffic of Mumbai adds on to it by giving more time to the brain and heart to ponder over all sorts of nostalgic and mind- distracting thoughts.

"Bhaiya! kam se kam meter to band kar lo", I said with irritation to the taxi driver, who with a grin turned it down and started his loud music in one go....and no wonder these taxi walas and auto drivers play Hindi songs just to add on to your mood-swings! Ah! not to mention, yet the song was the famous hit one from Veer Zaara movie;" Tere Liye".

Wow! Has he been noticing me crying behind my goggles or was he spying on me, how the hell did he know that I am bloody too broken to enjoy a sad Hindi song? My thoughts were lingering again to another moment from the past, when he was so sure of marrying me, of not letting me go whatever the situation is. He was so sick of loving me and so was I that we would have even planned out a good runaway from our homes just to find ourselves in a court, obviously for marriage deal!

"Madam! lagta hai aaj toh ye traffic jaam khatam nhi hoga, aap aisa kijiye paidal nikal jaaiye", the driver was looking in the mirror of his taxi and speaking bluntly. I paid him the fare and dropped out to find myself in the steaming crowd ahead and behind. Where do I go now? Walking nearly for an hour, I somehow managed to escape that chaos and lo here I was to the other side of the road. It was like every building gazing down to me, as if people around noticing me and my swollen eyes hidden behind my dark black goggles.

I took another taxi and reached Nariman Point, this is one of the peaceful places here which eats away all your sorrow and pain at least for the time being. Walking to the end of the cemented platform meant for people to sit, I leaned down my bag to one side and with a deep sigh sat down to observe the roaring sea in front which streamed so callously. It is so deep to gulp all the filth and still flow enormously with the same passion. It is endless and still it has a motive...just to flow and take direction as the situation asks for.

Oh wow! I think I have got the solution. If this sea in spite of lacking senses can be so hopeful, why do I with all senses working;need to be helpless and sit like a moron ?

Yes, I am not going to throw myself into the sea and die, I am going to stride by the obstacles of this long life. Even if he is not mine anymore, still I have to live for my family and carry on with life. I am going to live life again!

2:04p.m., Wed., 9/12/11.,N.Delhi

This is what LOVE is !!

Smiling gingerly you have once said

That you would never leave me alone;

You would always stand by my side

And that you would love to see me smile

Always, yes always!

Was it a dream, a sheer thought or just

my imagination...when you held me tight

And often sat beside only to make me feel

Safe and good from my heart.

Oh! Now that you are not here,

I realize how much you meant to me

How secure I felt even in darkness of night

Alone, gazing to the dim-light from my window!

Ah! never I thought we would once separate

For so long and so far that my heart would

Just bounce back to the sweet old days

Now and then, and cry but would not be

Heard, in pain but not healed, in grief

But never soothing....

You were there just for making me feel special

You were there just for me and only me;

Yet I could realize only when it was too late

And here I stand alone, yes alone

With memories devouring my heart

Each bit of me is sinking, getting hollow from

Within, and I can only remember you and just you!

No wonder, this is what LOVE is !!

1:34p.m.,Wed., 9/12/11, N. Delhi

Let us separate forever!

The breeze outside is though dry, still I love to walk in the lane barefooted. Keeping a pace with the weather, I want to breathe in as much freshness as I can. Growing old each day is so fast but growing with you is still not decided. This undecided path has brought me to such a node from where no ends, no points can be joined to the left past....the past being so barren and so close to heart.

You were with me yesterday, which seems quite a dream today. This day just can repeat the flashback with closed eyes and let you go away. I know this pain is unbearable, the memory is inseparable.Still we have different routes to choose and separate lives to live. Though we promised each other to live up to each other's expectations, we can't afford to do so...knowing this I try erasing all your memories from my past. But, it gets more complicated each time I try doing so.

Why you are being unavoidable ? Every moment I try not thinking of you, and I think more about you then. This insanity has left things haywire in my life. I don't know about your heart..what's going on there. Neither do I want to know as it will add on to my pain, my worries about you. I am running away from you and the more I try evading away from you, the more I get closer to you. Each passing day brings a hope to live a moment of old days with you. But, somehow the circumstances don't support our thoughts and our plans.

One day all these will fade away. We will get busy in our own separate lives. We will have issues to deal with. Those issues will be bigger than this being dealt with both of us every moment. But, no help! Just crying alone in loneliness and darkness is the only relief. I know you will never be mine, and that we will never be together again.... still I live up to this expectation of living life for you and with you.

I know we are never destined to meet, still I keep on longing for you. Why? Because I simply adore you...I simply love you! May be we can meet someday and that would be a dream come true. For the time being let me close my eyes and cry my heart aloud for some time. The pain inside has melted and it is becoming unbearable each day. Let me see you once more and then separate forever.

S.Suman, 20/11/11, Sunday, 3:41 p.m., New Delhi

It wasn't destined !

Walking down the path of loneliness,
Only I could feel was a sheer feeling
Of losing all that I had.
That day to this...had made just a bit difference
As I step ahead, I deleberately turn back
To relocate the moment which just slipped
The second which just passed
And I couldn't hold it back
As I was too busy scheduling my tomorrow
Now I am again on the road to loneliness.
What I gained is what I lost
Just a moment's thought
Is what I can grasp tightly
As this bit by bit rolling past
Has subsided somewhere around
The folds of my mind, and do often
Bother me, tease me and smother me!
What all happened, all that would happen
Are all that weren't to be...
They weren't destined...
Still they did happen, they still haunt me
And I keep running away from them
A bit confused, a bit lost, a bit fallen apart
I have nothing to hold, I have nothing to keep
Still I hope to stay back, still I hope to live
This is I think what Life is all about!

I LOST HER like a dream... (part 2)

As I fastened my steps way back home, something ached near my heart.I felt my Varna's presence nearby.Her innocent face kept hovering in my conscious and my head started reeling. I wanted to shout and cry. The world around looked so horrible to me...that even the slightest view of Varna would have soothened my pain !





Suddenly, I turned back and started walking towards that house from where I returned. As I reached near the entrance, I saw that little girl I met earlier, into tears. She when saw me there, wiped her tears and turned her face to other side pretending not to notice me. I stepped towards her, and leaned down to ask why was she crying.

She lifted her gaze with heavyness and gathered her painful voice to utter a mere "Sorry"...then pointed towards a conjusted lane just beside her house. Without giving a second thought to what she said, I rushed towards the lane......when I reached the end that was just 6-7 steps from the house, a dead wall faced me infront. I got stuck and turned around. Gazing down, I closed my eyes and pondered what was I doing here.What did that girl mean when she pointed towards this lane......''had she been knowing something about Var......no did she mean she was sorry for.........no this can't be the case...or did she know where had she been imprisoned''.Innumerous, uncountable thoughts flashed through my mind and I was terribly shaking at the thought of the consequences brought to Varna.





Hurriedly, I rushed myself towards the girl. Reaching out to her, I spotted her hands and legs scratched as if she had helped herself out of some difficult situation and in the process thereby got hurt. I kept my palm over her head and asked with a heavy voice if she could tell anything about my lost pet. She raised her brows and lifted herself to get up; and taking my hands in hers, she wept for a while. Consoling her by the side, I just could not help myself loose out to cry. This was just not helping when she taking my hands ran inside her house and took me to the rooftop. I was shocked, confused, lost and totally out of my mind. What was this day meant to be?


It was some 4 floored building and we both were pacing towards the third floor, when a mumble from my left side jammed my steps and I forced my ears towards the voice direction.
What I could see to my left, was a fence with netted boundary through the entire stairs up the rooftop. I tilted myself till the waist to gaze down obliquely and my eyes stuck on a small sheep tied to her neck with an iron nail rooted in the ground. She was trying her best to take out her neck from that thick loop of rope. Her consistent effort to let herself free from that pain added more to her pain.She gazed up with a wanting look in her eyes crying for some help and I in a few seconds rushed towards her. The warmth of her touch and her soft fur reminded me of Varna...her eyes almost teary were about to collapse when my gentle touch patronized her and she was calm in no time!



I was so desperately trying to undo the knotted loop, that the arrival of someone nearby didn't distract me for a while.This man was a huge black creature with protruding stomach and bushy moustaches in addition to hairy beard hanging till his chest.The shadow of his body falling by my side was enough to make out how giant and devilish he was!

"Who are you and how come you are inside this house without my notice", he asked furiously.I looked up at him and stood with fumbling toes to reply him. He was the same man whom I met in the morning. He had a big butcher's knife in his hands. Looking at me he pretended as if he's noticed me for the first time, but his forehead lined with stretches showed his discomfort on my presence there. Something was going inside his mind. '' So you are back in spite of my telling that we don't know about any deer of yours''. He was though talking to me but his eyes were staring that girl standing behind me. His furious eyes turned red when he shouted at her ''So you are the culprit who brought her here, you won't listen until I cut you into pieces'', saying this he fastened himself forward to grab her hands. But, she clutched her hands with mine and hided her face behind me. I came forward and in a tone which was enough to slap him straight forwardly, said that it was so devilish for man to treat a small child in such a harsh manner. Raising his eyebrows, he looked at me and rudely replied that it was none of my business when he was talking to his daughter. I was more than surprised after he mentioned that girl was his daughter. This time the girl moved forward and in a painful tone started talking '' Abba! I know you can kill anyone you want to, so kill me like you did to that poor one today, now that you have proved your extremes of cruelity, I would rather wish to die than live a life burdened by the guilt of facing a helpless one die before my eyes''.I pulled her towards myself and shaking her with both my hands asked whom was she talking about.

Now becoming a bit careful, this man in a soft tone asked her to go to her room and not talk to strangers. But inspite of listening to any of his words, she pulled me towards one corner and in a sobbing tone said ''Di ! My abba has killed your pet, he has not listened to me and even hurt me when I wanted to save her. I am sorry for that. Let's go to the police''. Thunders blew through my ears and my eyes widened in response to what I heard . Holding my patience was now out of question. Outraged with pain and anguish, I turned around and bashing that man to the side wall I rushed towards an open room and shouted ''Where is my Varna, where have you hided her you bastard, give her to me else I will kill you''. That man came nearer and said in an indifferent tone that he is ready to pay me an amount of my wish if I am interested in compromising and settling the matter then. I was shivering with anger and this line spoken by him increased my temper. I slapped him on his right cheek and rushed out of that house.

Tears were consistently doing their job, now I had to do mine. But, I stopped myself to turn around and gaze at that house when I saw that girl running towards me. She approached me and held out her hands saying she will be accompanying me to the police. I couldn't utter a word and helding her hands, I fastened my steps ahead. That man might have tried to catch hold of us but we were in no time out of the lane and now on the roadside lost in the crowd.I didn't give a damn to turn back and look at him as the only thing in my mind was to punish him at every cost. So, I was speeding up to the police station.

I LOST HER like a dream...

Shining big eyes shaped like almonds, golden brown skin, playfulness, childish innocence and her running speed.....these characters were the few which compelled me to be near her, touch her and love her. She was one of the most wonderful creations I personally related to and she was the one I was proud to have.

Varna, my pet deer was not even 2 years, when she joined our family and became an integral member, without whom none of our rituals and celebrations were accomplished. She brought liveliness and colours to our monotonous lives and at times she used to be an inspiration for my works of arts, poetry and writing.

When something by her fault was spoilt or broken, she used to become still and her innocent face and tearful eyes used to vaporize all our anguish. She was so lovable, especially to my grandma, that they both used to eat together sitting side by side.

Life never is the same..it has to change and so it happened to mine too. My heart aches and eyes warm up with tears when I rememeber that dreadful day of her departure from our lives forever.

It was 31st December, 1997.The weather outside was aweful and everywhere people were celebrating the eve of New Year. The sky above was full of feathery clouds compelling poets for poetry. Our family went to the nearby hill to celebrate the occassion as a family picnic and so Varna too accompanied.

Cheers and laughters echoed in the ambience, trees were decorated beautifully with artificial stars and ribbons, portraying the essence of the past Christmas celebration. People around were also rejoicing with their families, some were couples, some lovers, while some alone came to enjoy their time on the beautiful hill which was a hot spot for the day.

We children, as in my siblings and I were especially surounding Varna and taking care of her; as it was on our compulsion that my grandma allowed us to take her to the picnic. As usual, she was one of the centres of attraction over there and people wantingly or unwantingly, kept coming near our group just to take a glance of her.

Suddenly, one of my sisters came with an idea to play hide and seek and so we all agreed but decided not to include Varna. I refused to play so that I could sit with Varna and not let her go here and there as she was so active by nature. They started playing and I was keeping Varna enticed with songs and little playful activities. But, time and again she used to get distracted when during the play, someone shouted or created some noise. She used to give herself a push and start stepping forward so as to tell others that she also is coming to join their playing group.

I was simultaneously enjoying the weather and watching people around. When I pointed to Varna a tree infront of us, she lost my control and ran with a speed difficult to par with. I hurriedly got up from my place and followed her. Listening to her name being called repeatedly by me, she went slow and started stepping down the hill. I was just a few steps behind her, when some bush came in my way and I suddenly lost her view from my place. Horrified at the thought of losing her, I quickened my mind to decide which way she might have gone and running speedly towards the bottom I stopped at the pathway which lead to a narrow lane.

I was not able to decide what to do and without even giving a second thought, I entered the lane, hoping that Varna might have lost her path and stepped in the lane. I kept walking and shouting her name with pain and terror, my mind was out of control, tears were continuously shedding from my eyes which were starving for a glance of my beautiful Varna. From within, I was cursing myself for letting her go so easily and not listening to my grandma's opinion of not taking Varna to the hill. Thousands of mind- craving things were hitting my head and I was shaking with the fear and terror of the after- effects which my family would suffer from.

Lost in these thoughts I walked upto the end of the lane when an open gate invited me to enter inside. Not thinking much I let myself step inside and without even bothering to ask anyone, I entered the house. When I went inside, I saw two ladies working in the open "aangan". Looking at their clothes and the way the house was made, I could make out it was some Muslim family. Watching a stranger enter their house suddenly; the women stood up in astonishment. I went near them and in a pleading tone asked them if they had seen my Varna around. First they couldn't make out what I was upto but when I told them how I arrived there searching for my lost pet deer, they showed symapathy and told that they haven't seen any such creature around.

Listening to our conversation, suddenly a fat huge man around 45-47 yrs old came outside from one of the rooms and called out one of the women as "Parveen ki Amma". One of the elderly ladies talking to me turned around to answer him. But, as soon he saw me, his brows raised with an interrogation. She told him that I was in search of my lost pet which brought me to this place. The man standing from his place said that no such creature has been there and that I should leave the place soon as they had to begin some of their rituals for which their family members were working throughout the day.
The women turned away from me and started working again. I hopelessly lifted my heavy steps and turned back towards the exit door. Coming outside the house, I met a girl about 12- 13 yrs age;who I supposed was the daughter of that family. She passed a smile as she crossed past me. I didn't reply and lowering my head down I kept walking. Tears till now had swollen my eyes. She stopped me and asked what was wrong and why was I crying. I could just speak a line that I lost my pet deer and asked if she had seen her.

She was silent for a while, then she muttered something I coudn't hear. When I asked her again, she refused and said no.

I stepped out of the house and fastened my steps towards my home. My grandma was at home as someone needed to be at there to look after. In the way, I stopped thinking what the hell I was going to do by reaching home. What would I say to my grandma if she asks about Varna and for how long am I going to hide this truth from my family that I have lost Varna.


.............to be continued!